What was the last thing you did for play or fun?
When you lose someone close to you, blood, kin, your life stops having meaning, at least in the immediate sense.
You stop liking to do stuff for your own enjoyment.
You stop seeking entertainment or praise or having fun.
Things that validated you, gave your life meaning, seem to fade out of focus.
You end up remembering all your mistakes involving your relation with your lost loved one, since obviously your subconscious never stopped keeping tabs on your life’s might have beens.
And having fun or playing with others, doesn’t seem to warrant your time, attention, or any real estate within the confines of your heart.
You block the world out and you suffer. Like a dog without a bone, but suffer you must.
For me, the suffering hasn’t ended but as of late, I have a nagging feeling tugging at the cold confines of my wounded heart. It’s perhaps Life trying to reclaim me. More and more I find myself trying to make peace with what I did wrong and accepting that which has happened.
Nothing happens in the vacuum, they say.
Perhaps this applies to me, I say.
And if that is so, then the person who I lost has also had her share of things she could have done differently. Not shifting blame, but Life has got to go on.
I have a family to raise and one cannot do that looking back all of the time. The focus of one’s attention has got to be ahead. After all, this life has its own share of landmines spread along the path upon which we are supposed to tread or are about to tread.
Perhaps I need to get back in touch with my former self and find ways to reconnect with the child in me.
I need a new hobby, a pussy cat, and a new class of drinking buddies.
Perhaps time has come to mourn less and live more.
Götterdämmerung 