The Guesswork of Marriage

I was chatting with a good old friend today. And there is something he said that made me wonder.

He said that marriage is hard work and that sometime life takes such a turn that nobody could see coming.

He told me that sometime no matter how hard you work at it, no matter how much effort, time and patience you put in this grinder we call married life, it just does not take.

Now for the longest time, I used to believe in the sacrosanct character of marriage. I thought that what God united, no man or woman can or should even attempt to undo. I believed that with all my heart and soul. And I still do. But nowadays, I wonder if my friend may be onto something, after all.

You see, I held marriage as the supreme bond between a man and a woman, who must work through their dissensions, via the power of compromise, and who must always put the happiness of their children first and foremost. And this is still true. No buts or ifs.

As it happens, I also believed that regardless of life’s vagaries, one must endeavor to steadfastly put up, endure and otherwise resist the temptations of whichever sort may come his or her way.

All these the name of loyalty to the institution and bond of marriage. Because, my inner argument went, there are no guarantees life will prove any less changing or disappointing if one tried their luck outside marriage, or via divorce, on greener pastures.

But my friend introduced a different curved ball into this notion. He said that perhaps, just perhaps the second time around, the experience will be better than the first time. And he said that you know, people change over time, their paths move away from the same trajectory.

And that finally, since our time on this Earth is measured in mere years or decades, we owe it to ourselves to look for happiness. And if this should be found outside the bounds of the first marriage trial, then perhaps it was all written in the stars or somewhere.

Talk about the doctrine of predestination, eh!

Quite fatalistic! If you ask me. But hey, sometimes people’s experiences prove life is quite accidental and serendipitous.

For instance, I believe that if you abandon a marriage for lack of the will to put up a strong relentless fight for it, then of course the end result will be disunion. I also firmly believe that happiness is not found in a series of adventures, paramours, romantic trials or tryouts, sequence of marriages.

I am of the opinion that if you apply yourself in any field, given a sufficient amount of personal resources (i.e., mental capacity, time, money, willpower) as well as encouragement and support from your family and immediate friends, you can achieve anything you set out to achieve.

It doesn’t matter whether your goal is to build a nuclear reactor, write a book, go to Mars, go to law school, become a physician, start a family, get a business off the ground, set your life straight, lose weight, or be happy with your family.

If there’s enough of a WILL there will be a WAY!

But marriage is hard work. I give you that. I concede that marriage is perhaps the most difficult thing one can hold on to. Because it takes two people to do so. And sometime, even then, it is not enough.

So yeah, when my friend mentioned that neither he nor his wife of 17 years now, have neither the appetite, nor the inclination to keep on fighting for their marriage, I cringed and wept inside. And I am not giving to silly emotions. Not for more than a few seconds. Not because I am made of stone, mind you.

It’s all because I believe that weeping like a willow cannot advance any cause better than deep reflection and swift action will.

So, I submit this to you, dear readers. Life is difficult. Life is nasty. Life is short. Life is brutish and poor.

But as difficult as life can be in and of itself, it’s even more so when you are all alone.

Doesn’t matter how young or old you are. Doesn’t matter how poor or rich, or sick or healthy you are. If you are alone, you are miserable. Because anything is better when you have a shoulder to rest your head on. And it is way better to have and not need than need and not have.

So, next time you think your significant other is making life miserable or difficult, consider how miserable you would feel having to face life on your own.

And I guarantee you will wish you haven’t uttered those mean words to your spouse. I know I wish I hadn’t!

Love and you will be loved!

Life is too freaking short to do otherwise.