The hardest decision I ever made was when I decided to leave the country of my birth.
Although I never considered myself a nationalist, a patriot, or a native to my land, partly because “patriotism is the refuge of the scoundrel”, and partly because it’s difficult to love your country when your mother is native to the soil but your papa isn’t, it was a decision I did not make lightly.
I knew I had no real prospects in Romania, and although the country rose quite a lot in the last 17 years, in all respects, I still believe I made the right call. I do not regret it. I regret many, smaller things in life but as the saying goes “don’t sweat the small stuff”, that is of no consequence.
I left behind half my life, and all that I knew and loved, and liked, the good and the bad. I left behind a sick and frail and old grandmother, a middle aged mom, four of my best friends, and a bunch of acquaintances and business relations.
I lost then and there a grandmother who passed away, my mother went from middle age to third age in no time, I had to fight an uphill battle with myself and distance, to keep my friends. I only have one best friend left, made another, lost a best friend, and reclaimed another whom I thought I lost. All my acquaintances – gone. All my business relations – gone.
My past life – gone. And that’s fine. Life is like that. Silly and uncaringly selfish.
Still, if I had to redo it, I’d do it the same way. Perhaps, with a different, less antagonistic approach, but I’d walk the same paths, fight the same battles, perhaps focusing more on flanking assaults than uphill bayonet charges against a set position and a forewarned enemy. I’d conserve my ammo, energy, and resources better than the first time. But I’d still fight my own battles, on my own terms, and face the same odds, risks, and danger.
We only live once and that is the curse and the blessing of our Maker. I wouldn’t care to live for 1,000 years. Because Life is Precious as Is, with its Imperfections, Perils, and Erstwhile Rewards. Immortality doesn’t appeal to me since it gives People the Illusion or Delusion of Do-Overs. Life is not a Videogame. Life is Hazard. Life is Chance. Life is Paradox. Free Will exists only for Mortals.
Immortality is Evil. It is Chaos. It is Repugnant because it’s Risk Averse. Immortality is Schizoid. It is Insanity Absolute. There are no Tough or Soft Calls for Immortals. Anything goes for them.
This is why we must own our decisions and accept responsibility in life.
Götterdämmerung 